if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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