I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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