I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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