she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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