i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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