Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
