nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
