i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
