Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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