i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
