if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Can I color on your dick again?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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