oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
