Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
