in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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