mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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