I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Four minutes until I can fart!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
