I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
