Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
