We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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