So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
