dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
