everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
