Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
