She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
