If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
