tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
