Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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