I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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