A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
