i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
