Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
