I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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