I looked at my own cervix.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
