my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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