wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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