our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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