Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
