He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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