My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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