I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
