im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drake has all the answers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
