you thought your balls were fighting each other...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
