I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
