Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
