my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
