I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
