all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
