I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
