One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
