I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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