Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
