My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
